Hi, fellow monks!

I've come to a point in my programming career when I seriously doubt that I have it in myself to go on. I worked years as a Perl programmer/system integrator. Few years ago, my company pulled me out of a project, and then it began. I was constantly moved on new projects, with new technologies stack, ranging from PHP, Python, AngularJS, Struts, Spring Boot, Vue, SQL Server, Node, React. You name it. As I understand, I am now under the umbrella of the Java Competence Center, so they expect me to deliver on that.

I never received any guidance, training, or support. Every project since then I was, sometimes literally, alone. Of course, my boss wants me to deliver fast and clean. At the moment, I am working on a huge Java project, again on my own. I'm in charge of analysis, development, sometimes testing. Also, no one gave me a proper introduction to the app we are developing, that is heavy on financial business logic. All the while, despite having worked in the field for more than 10 years, my current job title is Junior Software Developer, with no hope of advancing given the current situation.

I feel like I've reached a wall. I cannot deliver. I have constant migraines. All in all, I fear I'll lose my job. Is this just a sign that I'm not cut out for the job, or that I'm perhaps too old to keep up (I'm 42)? I still study in my spare time what fascinates me, but I'm beginning to hate programming, and I'm not putting in the same amount of work into my education as I did when I started. I'd need some real side projects under my belt to brush up my resume, but I do not have the spare mental capacity to push even outside the workplace.

Unfortunately, it seems that here in Italy all the coding jobs are like so, therefore I'm questioning my worth in the market as a programmer. Soon I think I'll try to switch company, but I'm not convinced anything would really change. Is a valuable professional programmer required to just go along with everything the company throws at him, or is it more sensible to craft a specific role in the spare time and go for it elsewhere?

I understand this post is highly OT, but I could seriously use some help for maturing a better understanding.


Training is everything