The functions created by create_functions are named, not anonymous. The value returned by create_function is the name of the newly created function. This name begins with a nullbyte, but it is a global name anyhow. $foo = create_function(...); $foo(); works because $foo here is a symbolic reference. create_function uses eval and has many caveats. From PHP's source:

sprintf(eval_code, "function " LAMBDA_TEMP_FUNCNAME "(%s){%s}", Z_STRV
+AL_PP(z_function_args), Z_STRVAL_PP(z_function_code));
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The function has a name, and is thus not anonymous. PHP's documentation is outright false.

Your dispatch table may work for you. But it is very inefficient and very ugly. You'd even be better off with a bunch of explicitly named functions and simple symbolic references. Back to square one of the programming mine field...