This really strikes me as an XY Problem. You don't want to have to grapple with the output of a simple SQL SELECT query in this "clunky" format unless you absolutely have to. And it doesn't seem like you have to because you admitted you could rerun the query this weekend. So rerun it and change the output format to CSV (comma-separated-value) or TSV (tab-separated-value). Problem solved.
Save your mad skillz for an occasion when your boss has gone to everyone else and been told "It's impossible." Querying data from an Oracle database in an immediately useable form is hardly impossible.