Hello Monks, first-time poster, and Perl newbie here.

Hello redapplesonly and welcome to the Monastery.

You have good, technical replies already. I just wanted to thank you as a first-time poster for writing such a well-formed post, both in terms of the content and the formatting. By including a clear problem statement, what you tried and how it failed you have given the monks every opportunity to help you. And this is borne out by the swift and helpful replies you have received.

I hope that the responses encourage you to stick around here and make the most from what the Monastery has to offer.