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Complete the Joke II

by dws (Chancellor)
on Jan 06, 2002 at 00:30 UTC ( #136595=poem: print w/replies, xml ) Need Help??

Here's a setup to what may or may not be a funny joke. Do your best/worst to come up with something to entertain us, and kudos or tomatoes will follow.
map, grep, and eval are driving to dinner when their car suddenly stops. ...

Replies are listed 'Best First'.
(jeffa) Re: Complete the Joke II
by jeffa (Bishop) on Jan 06, 2002 at 11:18 UTC
    our @trunk = qw(umbrella rocks jumpers spare jack); eval map { $_->jump() } grep /jumpers/, @trunk; package jumpers; sub jump { print "rrrrr... rrrrrrr... [vroom]!\n" }
    Well, assuming they drive an all electric car :P

    And the car that gave them the jump drove right next to it all the way to the dinner with the jumpers still attached. :/

    Seemed funny at the time .... :(


    (the triplet paradiddle)
Re: Complete the Joke II
by mojotoad (Monsignor) on Jan 07, 2002 at 20:18 UTC
    Gather 'round, kids. I have too much time and a story to tell:

    map, grep, and eval are driving to dinner when their car suddenly stops. ...

    "Why have we stopped?" asked eval.

    grep rapidly scanned the dashboard indicators and stated "Everything seems normal."

    "Isn't that the truth!" said eval, as he popped open the glove compartment. A huge pile of paper, books, crumpled wrappers and bits of bites cascaded out of the compartment.

    "Crap, map! Clean up your car once in a while!" yelled eval in disgust.

    grep rolled his eyes and rifled through the mess, whereupon he rapidly produced the owner's manual and the AAA booklet, which he then tossed to eval. "Here," he said, "what do those say?"

    eval studied the items, but remained silent.

    "Well?" map asked irritably.

    eval said nothing.

    "For a dollar?" map pleaded. eval smiled. map sighed and threw a dollar at eval.

    "The pages are stuck together, sorry." stated eval. He chuckled and tucked away the dollar.

    "Great! This is just fantastic." said grep, dejectedly.

    map took the AAA booklet from eval. "Here, try these phone numbers," he said to eval. He began to read them off of the back of the booklet.

    eval whipped out his cell phone and started dialing numbers. grep pulled a dirty fork out of the trash from the glove compartment.

    "You're a slob," said grep to map.

    "It's my car," map said as he picked up a map from the pile of clutter.

    Sullenly, map and grep glanced at eval, who was still busily dialing numbers. They waited.

    "What do you mean the number has been disconnected??" eval yelled into the phone. "But...but I don't...Yes...But...Crap! Bastard hung up on me!" eval shouted.

    "Who did?" asked map.

    eval remained silent. With a grumble, grep tossed a dollar at eval.

    "The Operator. They apparently didn't like my argument." said eval, who quickly tucked the dollar into his pocket.

    "Typical." muttered grep.

    "What about the other numbers?" asked map.

    "Answering machines. I left messages." replied eval.

    They sat around for a while, wondering what to do next. map studied the map he was holding.

    "According to this map and the last exit I noticed, we should be pretty close to the next town," stated map. "We could ..."

    "PHONE CALL FOR EVAL!!!" Handler interrupted.

    "probably find help at either of these three exits." map continued, as though nothing had happened.

    eval's phone rings.

    "Yes? Mmm hmmm. Yes. I see." said eval, hanging up the phone. "AAA said there's some equipment including an emergency flag in the trunk. They are sending a tow truck. Let's set up the flag so they can find us." he told the others.

    They all step out of the car and proceeded to the trunk. map opened the trunk and dumped an enormous pile of boxes and bags onto the ground in front of them.

    "What's all this, then? You're a pig!" grep says in dismay to map. He kicked a box in frustration.

    "Wait!" yelled map, but too late. The box tipped over and a pile of hand grenades spilled out. One of the hand grenades had lost its pin and ominously wobbled next to its freed handle.

    "Now you've gone and done it! We're all gonna die!" shouted map.

    "Not if I have anything to do with it!" said eval as he hurled himself on top of the pile of grenades. grep and map ducked and heard a muffled WHOOMPH, after which eval stood up and dusted himself off nonchalantly. grep's jaw dropped open.

    "That was incredible!" said grep, clearly impressed.

    "Not really," said eval. "You should get out in the world more often. There's ways of properly handling these things." he said, while shooting a dark glance towards map.

    map shifted uneasily. "They were from army surplus! I didn't know they were that fragile! I just picked them up when I went into town for some power converters!" he whined.

    They all looked down at the equipment. In the confusion, the contents of all the boxes and bags had been spilled into a jumbled mess.

    "Great. Just great. We'll never find the flag in this mess," complained eval.

    map and grep looked at one another and grinned. In a flurry of activity, they hurled all the objects into one large pile; eval wasn't sure but he thought he saw map and grep passing notes back and forth from a small notebook.

    "WTF?" he thought to himself.

    Suddenly map and grep attacked the large pile again and before eval could even blink they had everything back in the original containers.

    eval grunted in admiration. "I see your Schwartz is bigger than mine," he admitted.

    "It takes all sorts," said grep, with a wink at map.

    grep reached into a box and pulled out a flare, a flag, and an instruction booklet. He glanced at the strange writing on the book, puzzled. "Here, what´s your interpretation of this" he said, handing the booklet to eval.

    eval flipped through the book. "First we have to set up the flag," he said.

    map complied, saying "Okay, the flag is set!" when he was finished.

    "Okay, the flag is set!" echoed print.

    map, grep, and eval all looked at one another.

    "Who the hell was that?" wondered map.

    "That was print," eval slowly said, thoughtfully rubbing his chin. He glanced up at the light clouds in the sky. "We're being tested," he concluded.

    "Hah! That's a good one!" laughs grep, slapping his knee and nudging map. "Tested! I didn't realize Mr. Worldly was so superstitous."

    map smiled and neverously laughed, glancing uneasily at the sky. More clouds were gathering.

    "What next?" asked grep.

    "Set up the flare and run," shrugged eval as he studied the book.

    map set up the flare and they ran a short distance and tumbled into a ditch. Peeping over the edge of the ditch, they watched. Nothing happened.

    "Maybe we did something incorrectly," said grep. "Let's try again."

    They set up the flag and the flare and ran to the ditch once more. Nothing happened. They tried several more times. Nothing.

    "This is ridiculous," said map. "We've been through this again and again with no results."

    "I know this sounds loopy," said grep, "but I really think we're just doing something wrong."

    They glance at one another. Realization settles on them both. They sigh and both look at eval.

    "Crap! I hate that!" exclaims grep, throwing another dollar at eval.

    eval smiled. "The last part of the instruction page has been ripped off. I don't know where the missing part is," he said. He showed them the book, pointing to the torn page.

    "Fantastic. Now what?" asked grep. Something rumbled on the horizon.

    grep idly examined the flare. Attached to the flare was a bright red tag on a string with some writing. "E-X-E-C..." he mutted to himself, attempting to read the tag. "Hey, eval, what's this do?" he asked, handing the flare to eval.

    "Wait!" shouted map.

    Too late. eval pulled the string.

    Ever after they knew no more.


Re: Complete the Joke II
by earthboundmisfit (Chaplain) on Jan 07, 2002 at 22:52 UTC
    a slightly different approach....

    eval decides he knows exactly where the problem lies and so turns the key and proudly proclaims, "Yup, this car is broken." But says no more.

    grep decides he knows exactly where the problem lies and promptly replaces the entire unnamed engine block list with last week's copy of the Wall Street Journal proudly proclaiming, "sh$_ happens."

    map decides he doesn't know squat and systematically iterates through @car calling various diagnostic and fixative subroutines thereby discovering an unmatched curly brace left behind in $AUTOLOAD when do borrowed the car last week.

Re: Complete the Joke II
by Chmrr (Vicar) on Jan 06, 2002 at 01:23 UTC

    ..and turns into a cdr.

    Oops. Wrong programming language.

    perl -pe '"I lo*`+$^X$\"$]!$/"=~m%(.*)%s;$_=$1;y^`+*^e v^#$&V"+@( NO CARRIER'

Re: Complete the Joke II
by MZSanford (Curate) on Jan 06, 2002 at 21:50 UTC
    Ok, this is pretty bad, but here goes :

    map: I'll check it.
    map looks under hood, and returns
    map: I don't know.
    grep: Let me do this you void context fool.
    grep looks under hood, and returns
    grep: I return undef ... no clue.
    eval: You are both fools, check $@, not $!!
    eval reveals $@ says "Undefined subroutine &main::clutch"
    eval and grep slap map for looking for the clutch in an automatic.

    $ perl -e 'do() || ! do() ;' Undefined subroutine &main::try
Re: Complete the Joke II
by TomK32 (Monk) on Jan 06, 2002 at 01:25 UTC
    map's driving
    map: Uhmm I think we're lost
    grep & eval: We're fucking what? But you're map, you need to know the way!
    map: I know, but I never mapped this area.
    eval: we could greb a better guide
    grep { /guide/ }
    guide: hi there. Where do you want to go?
    eval: We want to PerlMonk's a decent restaurant where we join hash, sin and die.
    guide: ok
    after an hour cruising around our three heros get nervous.
    map: Uhhmm guide, are you sure you know the way?
    guide: no, I don't know the PerlMonk's at all
    map: Uhmmm why did you tell earlier?
    guide: Oh, I thought you had eval me.

    I know it could be better, but first lemme see your's

    paco for president
    TomK32 - just a geek trying to change the world

      Ha, ha. I like how you start it! Here's my mod of your ending though it may not be much better.

      map's driving.

      map:Hmmm...I think we're lost.

      grep & eval in unison:What?!?'re map!

      map:Blame fsck! I'm all corrupted! Boy do I feel dizzy...

      grep:Not to worry. I'll get fsck!

      grep fsck

      fsck:Hi there. What chu need?

      eval:Please fix map. He's broken!

      fsck map

      fsck:Feeling better now?

      map:Yes! Definitely but I'm still lost...

      grep:But, but, but I though you've been fsck'd!?! You're map! You must know the way!

      map:Yeah, well...I know I should but I've never mapped this area before. Oops.


      "The doktor is in."

Re: Complete the Joke II
by Juerd (Abbot) on Jan 06, 2002 at 01:04 UTC
    They discover that do, sort and sub sabotaged their car. Why would they do so? After all, they all accept a block of code and always have been good friends. Maybe it has something to do with goto's evil plans. ...

    2;0 juerd@ouranos:~$ perl -e'undef christmas' Segmentation fault 2;139 juerd@ouranos:~$

Re: Complete the Joke II
by frankus (Priest) on Jan 10, 2002 at 18:40 UTC

    This is dire :-(, but some perverse force made me do it:

    map says "I hope neither of you guys were hungry"


    Brother Frankus.


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