#! /usr/bin/perl -w


use LWP::UserAgent;
use Carp;
use Mail::Sendmail;

use strict;

my $mood = shift || 'smoove';

# you
my $self = 'Monk';
my $email = 'monk@monastery';

# her
my $chicks_name = 'Chick';
my $her_email   = 'chick@hermail.com';

my @subjects = (
"hey babe...",
"a short message from your lover...",
"just wanted to say hi...",
"oh I love you...",
                );
my $ua = LWP::UserAgent->new();
$ua->agent("MySmooveB/0.1 ");

my @doghouse = ( 'http://www.theonion.com/onion3120/pick_up_phone_3120
+.html',
                 'http://www.theonion.com/onion3107/baby_please_3107.h
+tml',
                 'http://www.theonion.com/onion3402/he_is_no_good_3402
+.html');

my @smoove = (
               'http://www.theonion.com/onion3102/treat_u_right_3102.h
+tml',
               'http://www.theonion.com/onion3114/think_of_you_3114.ht
+ml',
               'http://www.theonion.com/onion3202/bringiton.html',
               'http://www.theonion.com/onion3213/let_us_freak_3213.ht
+ml',
               'http://www.theonion.com/onion3313/get_smooved_3313.htm
+l'
               );
my @text;

if ($mood =~ /d/) {
    # you're in the doghouse
    foreach my $x (@doghouse) {
        my $req = HTTP::Request->new(GET => "$x");
        my $retval = $ua->request($req)->as_string;
        push (@text, split(/\<p\>/, $retval));
    }
} else {
    # default, is smoove
    foreach my $x (@smoove) {
        my $req = HTTP::Request->new(GET => "$x");
        my $retval = $ua->request($req)->as_string;
        push (@text, split(/\<p\>/, $retval));
    }
}
my @smoove_text;
foreach my $t (@text) {
    next if ($t =~ m/(img src|script|\{|\})/);
    next if ($t eq "");
    $t =~ s/\&quot\;/ /g;
    $t =~ s/\<(\/)?i\>/ /g;
    $t =~ s/\&(\S*)\;//g;
    $t =~ s/\<\/p\>//g;
    $t =~ s/\//\n/g;
    $t =~ s/\./\.\n/g;
    $t =~ s/Smoove B/$self/g;
    my @lines = split(/\n/, $t);
    foreach my $l (@lines) {
        $l =~ s/^\s*//;
        next if ($l eq ".");
        next if ($l eq "");
        push (@smoove_text, $l);
    }
}
my %mail = (
To      => $her_email,
From    => $email,
Subject => $subjects[rand($#subjects)],
Message => $smoove_text[rand($#smoove_text)]
             );

sendmail(%mail) || warn "$!";
[download]

Oh dear, that is absolutely the most beautiful use of perl I have ever seen. Baby.

Hey, where's the option for randomizing which "chick" it gets sent to? I mean, if you need to automate this, it must be because there's more than one, right? :D

__________
"Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work." -- (Author Unknown)

++silent11
Very enjoyable. For a lot of people Perl is a tool to automate tedious maintenance tasks, and your script is a perfect example of this. Thank you for this useful contribution to the community!

I would write this into a cron job, but the regularity of it might raise suspicions (an email received every Tuesday and Friday at 3:14 PM... hmm...). I wonder if I could somehow randomize the time of the cron. Or maybe code a daemon in Perl that would pick a time randomly within a certain range.

OOH! And to make sure it doesn't get sent while I'm home sick or whatever, I can have it system("w | grep 'LAI'") to make sure I'm logged in! Oh, the possibilities...

I wonder if I could somehow randomize the time of the cron.

Don't bother. Just run it from cron every ten minutes or so (during likely hours of course) and send the message if rand 100 > 98 or something.

-sauoq
"My two cents aren't worth a dime.";

Using batkins' pearl of wisdom...

#tested - works for me (win2k)
use Win32::OLE qw( EVENTS );

my $lovespeak = new Win32::OLE( "{EEE78591-FE22-11D0-8BEF-0060081841DE
+}" ) or die "$!";

my $self = 'Monk'; # you
my $chicks_name = 'Chick'; # her

my @cheese = (
"hey $chicks_name\n\n I hope everythings going well today.\n I just wa
+nted to drop you a line.\n\nLove always,\n\t$self", "Baby,\n I just w
+anted you to know how much I love you. Youre great!\n\nLove,\n\t$self
+", "I've been thinking about you all day. I can't wait to come home t
+o you.\n talk to ya later,\n\t$self",
);

my @subjects = (
"hey babe...",
"just wanted to say hi...",
"oh I love you...",
);


my $random = int(rand($#subjects));
my $say = $subjects[$random];
$random = int(rand($#cheese));
$say .= $cheese[$random];


$lovespeak->Speak($say);
while( $lovespeak->{Speaking} ){
       Win32::OLE->SpinMessageLoop();
       Win32::Sleep( 100 );
}
[download]

Nothing says "I wuv you" like a robotic voice!

"What is this emotion you call 'wuv'?"
"Surely you mean, 'love'?"
"No, 'wuv', with an Earth double-u."
"This confuses and enrages us!" -Futurama

Happy St. Valentine's Day.

Update: removed the "+ 1" from the int rand.

John J Reiser
newrisedesigns.com

Hey is there a way i can use that on win98se computers? I dunno if it's my compiler, or what..

I guess you do not have the "DirectSpeechSynthesis Module" (%Systemroot%\speech\XVoice.dll) on the win98se. GOK if you can install that there and what is that part of. (Search for that {EEE785...} in your registry).

Jenda

I made a few changes:
1) it now works on my win98 system (no mail server at localhost)
2) To and From now include the people's names
3) fixed a typo

#!/usr/bin/perl
# just put this bad boy on your desktop and 
# double click as needed. :)

use strict;
use Mail::Sendmail;

# you
my $self = 'Monk';
my $email = 'me@workplace.com';

# her
my $chicks_name = 'Chick';
my $her_email   = 'chick@mail.com';

my @cheese = (
"hey $chicks_name\n\n I hope everythings going well today.\n I just wa
+nted to drop you a line.\n\nLove always,\n\t$self",
"Baby,\n I just wanted you to know how much I love you. You're great!\
+n\nLove,\n\t$self",
"I've been thinking about you all day. I can't wait to come home to yo
+u.\n talk to ya later,\n\t$self",
);

my @subjects = (
"hey babe...",
"a short message from your lover...",
"just wanted to say hi...",
"oh I love you...",
);

my %mail = ( 
To      => "$chicks_name<$her_email>",
From    => "$self<$email>",
smtp    => 'mail.your.isp',
Subject => $subjects[rand($#subjects)],
Message => $cheese[rand($#cheese)]
);

# $Mail::Sendmail::error gives details as to what went wrong
sendmail(%mail) or die $Mail::Sendmail::error;
[download]

perl -MBone::Easy -le'print pickup()."\n\n--frankus"' | mail grace.hop
+per@navy.mil
[download]

--

Brother Frankus.

Ananda