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[OT] Best support mail ever

by DrManhattan (Chaplain)
on Apr 08, 2003 at 04:16 UTC ( [id://248808]=perlmeditation: print w/replies, xml ) Need Help??

It's spring time, and once again daylight savings time reminds me of my favorite technical support email ever. This series of emails was sent by a user of one of the ISPs PSINet absorbed a few years ago before it went bankrupt. His grasp of english was somewhat less than perfect. I've removed his email address and the last names in the interests of privacy.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2000 18:48:09 -0400 (EDT)
From: user@shell1.tiac.net
To: support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net
Subject: Reminder

Dear Support Service:

Please ensure that the time (clock) of all shell accounts be turned one
hour back today (Saturday, the 28th October).

Do not send me anymore autoresponse messages.  They are FULL of
infested worms you deserve!

Thank you.

I suspect this man was beaten up by an auto responder as a child.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2000 19:01:58 -0400 (EDT)
From: user@shell1.tiac.net
To: support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net
Subject: Re: Reminder #tiac-2834072

I HAVE TOLD YOU RIGHTLY MANY TIMES THAT YOU SHOULD WITHOUT ABOLSIH THE
AUTORESPONSE MESSAGE SYSTEM WHICH SI BOTH FULL OF INFESTED WORMS AND VERY
ANNOYING, BUT YOU YOURSELVES FOR SURE ARE COMPLETELY OBSTINATE WHO THINK
YOU COULD DO ANYTHING AND DO NOT ALLOW OTHERS TO TELL YOU THEIR FEEDBACKS.
THEREFORE, BY CONSEQUENCE, YOU ARE GETTING THIS AGAIN.  IT DOES NOT CHANGE
MY MIND AT ALL.  I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING.  YOU CANNOT CONTINUE THIS OR
ELSE YOU WILL BE GIVEN MORE PRESSURE TO ABOLISH IT WITHOUT FAIL!  yOU ARE
COLDHEARTED!  THAT IS ALL YOU GET UNTIL YOU STOP SENDING ME THIS STUPID
AUTORESPONSE MESSATGE.  YOU FULL OF MANURE!

Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2000 18:49:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: The Tiac Support Group Autoresponder - Do Not Reply
     <autoreply@psi.com>
To: user@shell1.tiac.net
Subject: Re: Reminder #tiac-2834072

Thank you for contacting   The Tiac Support Group
Your mail is important to us and has been assigned ticket
number #tiac-2834072 for tracking purposes.

If you would like to post further updates regarding the same issue, 
please include this ticket number in the SUBJECT line of your email.

Since this is an automatic response, please do not reply directly
to this message. Instead, please direct all future email to:
	support@tiac.net
----------------------------------------------------------
Your message was:

>From user@shell1.tiac.net  Sat Oct 28 18:48:58 2000
To: support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net
Subject: Reminder

Dear Support Service:

Please ensure that the time (clock) of all shell accounts be turned one
hour back today (Saturday, the 28th October).

Do not send me anymore autoresponse messages.  They are FULL of
infested worms you deserve!

Thank you.

Flash back to earlier that same year when the customer requested information on establishing a web site.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 09:13:22 -0400 (EDT)
From: user@shell1.tiac.net
To: support@tiac.net
Cc: sysadmin@tiac.net
Subject: Establishing a website

TO WHOM it MAY CONCERN:

I have been considering to establish a website.  If you have access for
customers to do so, how could I start one and make it accessible to anyone
who wishes to access to the one I may establish?  Would there be any fees
for having one on this account I am on?

For good reason, without delay/without fail, please QUIT sending me 
autoresponse messages.  It is UNACCEPTABLE and VERY ANNOYING, so please do
*NOT* send me them anymore.  If you continue, I will *only* send them back 
along with even more hard-pressuring complaints to force you to ANNIHILATE 
them COMPLETELY for good!  Understand?

Thank you.

He sent this one about 20 times.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 09:33:59 -0400 (EDT)
From: user@shell1.tiac.net
To: support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net
Subject: NO AUTORESPONSES PLEASE

SEE YOU DID NOT LISTEN TO MY COMPLAINT WHICH STANDS FIRM.  YOU CANNOT DO
THAT.  YOU YOURSELF SAY TO DIRECT THIS EMAIL TO support@tiac.net BUT YOU
STILL LET IT AUTOMATICALLY SEND THIS STUPID MESSAGE.  THEREFORE, I AM
STILL HITTING YOU WITH HARD PRESSURE TO ANNIHILATE THIS.  IT DOES NOT
CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT IT SO YOU ARE GETTING THIS TO FORCE YOU.  PLEASE
SUBMIT THIS HARSH COMPLAINT TO YOUR GROUP AND LET THEM SEE FOR THEMSELVES.
I ABHOR AUTORESPONSE MESSAGES!  YOU UNDERSTAND?

Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 09:13:32 -0400 (EDT)
From: The Tiac Support Group Autoresponder - Do Not Reply
     <autoreply@psi.com>
To: user@shell1.tiac.net
Subject: Re: Establishing a website #tiac-2489242

Thank you for contacting   The Tiac Support Group
Your mail is important to us and has been assigned ticket
number #tiac-2489242 for tracking purposes.

If you would like to post further updates regarding the same issue, 
please include this ticket number in the SUBJECT line of your email.

Since this is an automatic response, please do not reply directly
to this message. Instead, please direct all future email to:
	support@tiac.net
----------------------------------------------------------
Your message was:

>From user@shell1.tiac.net  Sat Jul 29 09:13:28 2000
To: support@tiac.net
cc: sysadmin@tiac.net
Subject: Establishing a website

TO WHOM it MAY CONCERN:

I have been considering to establish a website.  If you have access for
customers to do so, how could I start one and make it accessible to anyone
who wishes to access to the one I may establish?  Would there be any fees
for having one on this account I am on?

For good reason, without delay/without fail, please QUIT sending me
autoresponse messages.  It is UNACCEPTABLE and VERY ANNOYING, so please do
*NOT* send me them anymore.  If you continue, I will *only* send them back
along with even more hard-pressuring complaints to force you to ANNIHILATE
them COMPLETELY for good!  Understand?

Thank you.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 09:56:44 -0400 (EDT)
From: user@shell1.tiac.net
To: support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net
Subject: FINALLY PROVEN

Finally, I have sent you over ten messages to pressure you so
therefore, you MUST get that off without fail!  Now, you understand that
you should quit sending the customers that autoresponse message but MUST
without fail remove that automatic response system completely?

That'll show that auto responder! Tech support responded to him, and got a spirited reply:
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 16:39:55 -0400 (EDT)
From: user@shell1.tiac.net
To: support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net
Subject: Re: FINALLY PROVEN #tiac-2489348

Dear Russ,

Sorry, no, I am NOT going to change my mind but be more than firm about
what I told them this morning with several messages to show you and them
that they CANNOT just send autoresponse messages as it si VERY ANNOYING,
and I ahve told one of the technical support staff 2 weeks the SAME thing
qwhich stands so.  Therefore, I am very clear and very direct that you
MUST QUIT saying:  "cannot', "no", and all the negative words but DO IT
WITHOUT FAIL AND DISABLE THAT!  That is why I am speaking as a two-edged
sword against you for not doing what has to be done.  I will NOT change
but stand firm.  Please DISABLE that autoresponse system NOW WITHOUT FAIL.
That is it.  Now, please do NOT send me anymore autoresponses or you will
still receive them along with more complaints.  Do you understand that you
CANNOT just say "cannot" but do it and disable it without fail?  Consider
this matter without delay and without fail!

Thank you.

Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 14:28:17 -0400 (EDT)
From: Russ <support@tiac.net>
To: user@shell1.tiac.net
Cc: support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net
Subject: Re: FINALLY PROVEN #tiac-2489348

Thanks for using support mail. The autoresponse system is 
used to let customer's know that their messages have been 
received. There are no plans to disable the autoresponse 
system, as it is viewed as a valuable tool to ensure 
customers that their issues are being taken care of. We 
apologize for the inconvenience, but feel the autoresponse 
system is a necessary part of our support system.

Thank you,
Russ
TIAC Tech Support

This issue was escalated to a senior tech:
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 22:19:55 -0400 (EDT)
From: user@shell1.tiac.net
To: support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net
Subject: Re: FINALLY PROVEN #tiac-2489348

STOP TALKING LIKE THIS TO ME!  THIS DOES NOT CHANGE MY MIND AT ALL.
PLEASE RECONSIDER ALL WHAT I SAID.  I AM TRYING TO SHOW YOU HOW I FEEL BUT
OBVIOUSLY YOU ARE NOT LISTENING SO THAT WILL ONLY LEAD ME TO SEND YOU MORE
E-MAIL TO YOU UNTIL YOU DO WHAT I ASKED FOR.  I WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOUR
NEGATIVE WORDS.  JUST QUIT SAYING YOU CANNOT AND WILL NOT BUT DO IT.  THAT
IS WHY I AM CONTINUING THIS UNTIL YOU ARE SWAMPED WITH MORE EMAIL TO
CONVINCE HOW WRONG PSINET IS.  NO, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHETHER OR NOT IT IS
IMPORTANT FOR THEM TO TRACK.  NO, IT IS STILL ANNOYING TO ME.  I DO NOT
CARE IF YOU SAY I AM THE ONLY CUSTOMER WITH THIS COMPLAINT.  DESPITE YOUR
BAD AND NEGATIVE WORDS, I AM UPSET AND WILL ONLY PRESSURE YOU WITHOUT FAIL
AND GIVE YOU A HARD TIME UNTIL YOU GIVE UP.  I AM VERY CLEAR AND VERY
DIRECT AND STAND FOR WHAT I SPEAK!  STOP TELLING ME "CANNOT" OR "WILL NOT"
BUT DO THAT AND GO REMOVE THAT WITHOUT FAIL!!!!!!!  QUIT SAYING NEGATIVE
THINGS BUT DO IT!!!!!!!!  YOU CANNOT JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO BUT GET
THAT REMOVED!  I MEAN IT.  RECONSIDER THIS MATTER.  GOT ALL I SAID?



Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 21:58:49 -0400 (EDT)
From: Rick <support@tiac.net>
To: user@shell1.tiac.net
Cc: support@tiac.net
Subject: Re: FINALLY PROVEN #tiac-2489348

Thank you for writing tech support.  The automated response 
system is part of our support system and cannot be removed 
or changed.  It this there to let the end user know that we 
have indeed received their message.  It also provides 
important information such a tracking the number that the 
end user can refer to in any correspondence with us.  Tech 
support is a two way process.  This is done so issues can be
 resolved in a timely manner.

Despite your passion in trying to get this removed, you are 
the only customer that is complaining this and we cannot and
 will not remove the autoresponder.  I'm sorry you don't 
like this, but it's an important part in our troubleshooting
 and support process.  I do apologize for the inconvenience 
this may be causing you.

--
Rick
Sr. Tech
Inter.Net / ioNET / TIAC
Support email (support@ionet.net) 

Here's the last one I have:
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2000 17:51:56 -0400 (EDT)
From: user@shell1.tiac.net
To: support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net
Cc: support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net,
    support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net,
    sysadmin@tiac.net, support@tiac.net, sysadmin@tiac.net
Subject: Listen to this

Dear Russ,

Please understand that you CANNOT simply say that PSINet would not disable
but DO IT WITHOUT FAIL or else you will only get more e-mail messages with
this SAME word until you do what I asked for.  QUIT saying you will not
disable but DO IT WITHOUT FAIL!  This is *NOT* going to change my mind
because I am VERY CLEAR and VERY DIRECT SHARPER than a two-edged sword
which is to show you how upsetting it is to me to receive such STUPID
autoresponse messages.  You *MUST* stop acting like you are now but learn
to listen to what the customers have to say instead of being NEGATIVE!  I
am sorry but I must defend against your negative word which must be
annihilated.  Therefore, you CANNOT continue telling me or any other
customers you would not disable that from the system.  I have told you 
many times VERY CLEAR and VERY DIRECT WITH RIGHT REASON, yes!  Obviously,
you yourselves refuse to listen because you yourselves are being
hardhearted who do not care what the customers say!  You will only
receive more even more heaps of this until you do something to
change it.  That is what you are getting them for.  TOO BAD!  TOO
BAD!  TOO BAD!  YOU *must* REMOVE THAT AUTORESPONSE MESSAGE THING
OFF FROM THE SYSTEM WITHOUT FAIL, yes, or you will only receive
these e-mails which is what you yourselves including Russ deserve!

Now, you have to do what you are supposed to change that.  Reconsider what 
I have very clearly stated as shown above and DO IT WITHOUT FAIL!

Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2000 15:37:04 -0400 (EDT)
From: Russ <support@tiac.net>
To: user@shell1.tiac.net
Subject: Re: Putting blocks... #tiac-2560618

Thanks for using support mail. There are no blocks that we 
can place from our end. You may be able to, depending on the
 mail program you are using, place a block using your mail 
program. You would need to check the help section of your 
mail program for more information on accomplishing this.
Also, the autoresponse system is in place for a reason. That
 reason is to let our customers know that their email has 
been received, and to keep them updated on the status of 
their particular issue. This is considered to be a valuable 
communication tool between ourselves and our customers. 
Therefore, we will not be able to disable this system. We 
apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, but we 
would rather you view this system as a benefit and not a 
nuisance.

Thank you,
Russ
TIAC Tech Support

-Matt

Replies are listed 'Best First'.
Re: [OT] Best support mail ever
by shotgunefx (Parson) on Apr 08, 2003 at 04:46 UTC
    Ah tech support. I don't miss those days at all. I hated it. I quit 4 days before my paid vacation because I couldn't do it a single day more.

    A few from my past.
    • The woman who said everytime she put a CD in here computer, it klanged and disappeared. (She was sticking them in the air vent of a mainframe)
    • The 2 hour call with a very nice a very legally deaf gentleman who's BIOS battery died right after installing one of our customer's software.
    • A panicked customer who thought he had wrecked his store. I fixed it only to be greated by an image of an 70+ year old man in a diaper and bonnet sucking on the teat of a nubile 20 something woman. (It was an adult diaper fetish store as I found out.) I laughed in his face. Couldn't help it.
    • The woman who was trying to copy a Curious George CD-ROM to floppies. (Lots of time on here hands)


    -Lee

    "To be civilized is to deny one's nature."
Re: [OT] Best support mail ever
by abell (Chaplain) on Apr 08, 2003 at 07:46 UTC

    The irony is the user's responses were probably automatically generated by a perl script (which makes the node in topic, after all).

    Antonio

    The stupider the astronaut, the easier it is to win the trip to Vega - A. Tucket
Re: [OT] Best support mail ever
by Anonymous Monk on Apr 08, 2003 at 14:27 UTC
    I loved helpdesk, it's so much easier when you work for a company who considers the customer the enemy. Our response - not that we took email - would have been something along the lines of "Sir, there are two ways we can stop you getting these autoresponse emails. One, we can block you from sending us email in the first place, or two, we can cancel your account for abuse of the support system. Guess which one is happening?"
Re: [OT] Best support mail ever
by Jenda (Abbot) on Apr 08, 2003 at 18:50 UTC

    Well he was firm without fail, but at least he did not curse. BTW I got a few responses to autoresponder messages myself. At one point of time I was stupid enough to put my address into the X-Mailer: header generated by Mail::Sender. And try to explain someone that you never heard of the company they got the email from if there is your address in the message headers. :-}

    Jenda
    Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.
       -- Rick Osborne

    Edit by castaway: Closed small tag in signature

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