|Perl: the Markov chain saw|
I'm starting to believe this is kind of funny. I'm thinking I might have typed this up more for me than for anybody else. I'm not even sure if I was truly looking for input on this, even though I explicitly asked for it.
The whole matter of "look at how long I've been here" isn't about seniority being important above all else. If anything, I think I'm just drowning myself in my own stupidity. Yes, it's "look at how long I've been here", but twist it any way you need to in order to read it as "look at how much time I've wasted not accomplishing anything". I just went back and looked at the titles of all 177 nodes I have posted... and realized that at least 50% of them are complete junk that never should have been posted in the first place.
I'm blaming myself here. Over 2 1/2 years have gone by since I started out here, and I've done absolutely nothing to truly contribute in the ways other people have. All I've ever really done here is use the chatterbox and thrust my nose here or there, but I've always wanted to do more. But for some reason, I just can't seem to motivate myself to do something that I deem as important.
And bingo, that's the key here: everything depends solely on what *I* believe is important. Only *I* can create an impact on my life, only *I* can make the important decisions that will take me somewhere. It's all me... yet at the same time, I feel so helpless! There is absolutely no way that anybody understands how often I think about what I've done here, about the countless events that *I* have chosen to create and partake in.
There have been several occasions where I have thought of ditching the mt2k username and starting out fresh, with nobody the wiser. My chance to do everything the right way, and to earn the respect I wish I had earned myself the first time around.
You might even be thinking "well if perlmonks causes you so much trouble, then why don't you leave the site?". Well... I already tried that once, and it just didn't work. I just couldn't leave the one place in my life (yes, I'm talking about real life, not some cyber-adventure) that has taught me many lessons.
At the moment, my life isn't exactly at its peak. I'm not even getting started, but believe me, my life is nothing like that of your ordinary teenager. And I know that it is oftentimes the honesty, whether inviting or biting, of several of you guys (I'm talking about the people behind the usernames, not the online appearance), that sometimes make me think about the meaning of life. (Yes, even the most annoying teenager can get philosophical every once in a while).
"It takes a special kind of bozo to do the right thing at the right time."Yes... I suppose it does. Maybe I'll have to work on becoming special. And as for that statement, I recall having said that before. It might seem that I haven't changed much in the past 2 1/2 years, but I disagree. I've learned so much in my time here that I can't help but be thankful for some of you. As a short list (in no way complete and in no particular order), I would like to thank the people who I feel have made an impact on my life. This is in no way a complete list. I may (probably) have left out a couple of key people, as well as those of you who have made small (but significant) differences.
Sigh. Seems I've started up an online diary here... perhaps I should reflect about life somewhere else rather than throwing it in a public place. Sorry about all that. I just needed to get that out of my system. Like I said, everything about life is off for me lately.