Well, not to get in your face, but _YES SQL FREAKIN DOES HAVE "IF" AND "WHILE" AND "ELSE" It has arbitrary variables, you can create temp tables that can contain arbitrary lists and data structures and more.

I do miss AutoLISP tho =) Mmmm good memories there... I still have the book from 13. I got totally burnt by them starting to use C like multiline comments... One of my best scripts started '/****** =) oops...

--
$you = new YOU;
honk() if $you->love(perl)