I am beginning to wonder if PERL even works!

Well, had you read the manual... the pain starts with the blank second line. Don't do that! Fill that gap, here's how. Insert the following below the first line

open O, "| command.com";
print O while <DATA>;
__DATA__
[download]

_($_=" "x(1<<5)."?\n".q·/)Oo.  G°\        /
                              /\_¯/(q    /
----------------------------  \__(m.====·.(_("always off the crowd"))."·
");sub _{s./.($e="'Itrs `mnsgdq Gdbj O`qkdq")=~y/"-y/#-z/;$e.e && print}