Thy post, translated into Perl, appeareth thus: @foo = s/bar/baz/;
Though it seem hard to the lewd, the proper conjugation of most regular verbs followeth certain simple rules, whereby archaic English can be writ without offending the eyes of the learned.
Write then not "thou dost speaketh", but only "thou dost speak" or "thou speakest". -eth is used only with the third person: "he doth speak", "she speaketh". The first person hath no special ending: "I do speak", "I speak".
As for regular expressions, they are both a blessing and a curse: they bless, for in them is power and expressivity, and the judicious and skilled use thereof maketh a program to be more pleasant and efficient in both the reading and the running; and yet they curse, for many who would write them lack both skill and judgement, and the result is oft great pain for any who would maintain such code.
If, as many monks have voted, regexen prove that God exists, then also they must prove that He hath a most wicked sense of humour ...