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Hello all... I've come to realize that I didn't quite give details to what I'm doing, where I'm going, and perhaps most importantly, why I'm doing it. I decided I had to return one last time so I could explain a little bit.

The first reason I came back to the site and this node was because of a suggestion from theorbtwo on my journal. He recommended that I read the replies to this post, which I have now done. I must say, I'm quite surprised that the node even exists. I suppose I believed that it would be almost immediately reaped and forgotten. I wasn't really counting on any replies to this whatsoever, it's how mixed up I was. It was one of those "nobody really cares" moments.

I'd like to thank grinder, sauoq, gjb, talexb, those Anonymous Monk posts, and I think most of all tye. I think that in a way, I'm glad he took the time to restore the damage caused by my mass-scribbling (new term learned from reading grinder's suggestions). How long did it take anyway? I hope it wasn't too difficult of a task. I never spent the time to learn the backup system. Hopefully it only took a few SQL commands.

As for the mass-scribbling, why did I do it? To tell the truth, I can't answer that question. It was a sudden, spur-of-the-moment decision that I made without really thinking much at all. It took a little bit of reflection for me to realize that it was an extremely selfish act. When I first started blanking out my nodes, I was only planning on doing the oldest of my posts... the really immature ones where all I was saying was how javascript worked, font colors worked, and the posts/replies that really had nothing to do with perl or the site from a discussion point of view. Then, for some unexplainable reason, I just kept on deleting, even the few posts I must admit I was quite proud of. Taking a harder look, I even realized that the past year or so have been better for me. I ceased posting the really childish stuff and began to reflect a little before I wrote a post or a reply. So I appologize for my selfishnish and my uncalled-for actions. Truly.

grinder's reply also has an update that notes the fact that I've said 'goodbye' once before. Quite true. However, the first time around, it was because I didn't feel very welcomed as a part of the community, and it saddened/angered me enough to post that one, though it was obvious that it was a call for attention. After that post, I came crawling back because I realized that the resentment I felt centered on me was not that of the entire community. This time, I am leaving of my own accord, as I feel that I need time away from a place where it got to the point where all I could think of is what a disappointment I was. Do you know how embarassing it is to look back at my first posts here? And even after my first few, I still did not contribute in many ways around here. What I need now is time to think about things in more depth than I have been doing and try to figure out what I want to gain from life: yes, I'm talking about real life, where we work for a living, not where we jump on a computer and enter an unreal, virtual world.

Taking it one step further, I realize why perlmonks makes me feel so discouraged. I really do not have a life to live outside of the internet. I've based so much of my life on computers: I've spent so much time on perlmonks and other places on the internet that I've been hiding from the real world for quite a long time. My life for the past while has consisted of working, eating, sleeping, and using the computer. I do not have a life outside of work and computers: I cannot list 3 people who I'd really call friends: all I have are online buddies and co-workers. Right now, there is nobody I could call and say "wanna go see a movie?". I've found my problem: I need to get a life away from work and computers. This is such a strong realization for me that I used <strong> tags :) lol, honestly though, I need to find some hobby other than programming and internet use. I don't collect anything, I don't build anything, I can't list 5 favorite movies, nor can I name many music artists upon hearing a song. And it doesn't help that I don't have any friends.

So, I've found my problem, will I come back to perlmonks as mt2k? No. The first thing I need to do is find something that I can do and accomplish away from this annoyingly addictive computer. Once I can do that much and I actually have a life, then maybe I'll come around a visit a little. But even then, don't expect me to beg tye or vroom to unlock my account so I can continue on where I left off. If I ever do come back, I will be starting over, as I have wanted to do for the longest time. If the time comes, then I will create a new account and do things the way they should have been done the first time around. It might seem like a way of escaping the past, and perhaps it is. I can't really give an explanation right now, because I don't know where I'm going to go in the next little while. Will you know it's me if and when I come back? I don't know. It's not that I wouldn't want anybody to know who I am if/when I return here, it's simply because I'd like to be known as the kid that made it though in the end. I'm basically hoping that I'll make it a second chance where I get to start with a clean plate. On the other hand, if I come back, maybe I will adopt a new style of writing my posts so that nobody will have a clue that it's me. But to me, that just seems like trying to hide who I really am, and I'm not comfortable with that thought. Besides, I'm too much of a goof and would eventually give myself up accidentally :)

If I ever do come back, I do hope I'll be welcome and not hated for the stupid things I've done. It's all about forgiveness, and I'm not sure as to whether or not I deserve to be given any more of that. In due time, I'll find out the answer to that one.

So to clarify, I'm not leaving because of anybody on the site, nor because of the site itself. I've found almost nothing but encouragement here, even in the posts that may seem slightly hostile. It might even seem that sticking around might help because of the warmth of the people here, but I don't want to chance hindering my newly-found resolution.

Also, in reply to one of the posts by Anonymous Monk, where the following was said:

But I find this post, in and of itself to be childish. "Look at me! I'm leaving!" You want to leave, leave. Do you want people to stop you? Do you want people to lament your absense? If that the case, it'll never happen - because the way you left is not noble.
It was quite a shock to me to read this, because it's not the way I intended it to be. I didn't mean to sound like "Look at me! I'm leaving. Pay attention to this!". For some strange reason, I assumed the reader would understand my situation and see it as a "Thanks for everything, but I need to leave for a while and get my life together." It seems as though grinder caught on to this one, but for the life of me I don't why why I expected everyone to understand. Just another misperception on my part.

So to say it the right way and the way I intended it to be, I do thank all of you for your support and encouragement, and now I will depart for a while, hopefully to find myself. Perhaps we will meet again someday, whether soon or far from now, and at that time we'll be able to look back and laugh. It might be a month, 6 months, a year or more before I return, if I ever return at all. If I don't see you again, thank you for everything and I wish the best for both of us. And BTW, before you judge me, walk a mile in my shoes. Then at least you'll be a mile away and have my shoes before I can say anything :P

/me goes off to commence a long and perilous journey, in hopes of discovering his true self and perhaps learn a thing or two about life on the way.


In reply to (mt2k) Re: GoodBye :-) by Anonymous Monk
in thread GoodBye :-) by mt2k

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