Hi... ok, no stats and no SSI and that script you posted was scary (imaging getting an email each time a web-bot spidered your site... eek
SSI probably wouldn't work anyway because almost every site that offers these disables the <!--#exec directive.
If your site offers a cgi-bin for your site you could go for a full perl-based site ala perlmonks or slashdot.org. Your whole site would live under /cgi-bin/something.pl and you'd probably have an entry page that used a <meta> tag to do an http-refresh with the correct URL (since I assume you don't get URL re-writing available via .htaccess either.
I find it extremely unlikely that they'll let you have perl scripts in any directory under your upload dir (public_html or www or whatever)... maybe you should consider changing your ISP? There are lots of good ones which are pretty inexpensive.