Amy: Hi! And welcome back. If you're just joining us, you're listening to K-Chat, Vice City's only commercial talk station. The place where the stars shining conversation with you and me. I'm Amy Sheckenhausen my next guest is a rising star in the world of Norse Mythology. He's appeared in several best selling Informercials and travels the globe speaking at corporate training camps. His books and audio casstetes are sold around the world. He's Valahla's finest diety and motivational speaker, Thor. Thor: Hi! Hello Amy, I'm happy to be here, it's been a long journey. Amy: Uh, yeah. Now I don't know much about you, I mean I read Beowulf, well, I didn't but I read the cover. But like, you're a Viking right? Thor: Did the tunaskin-goatskin boots give you a clue maybe? I am a Viking. And a Viking that will not only help you unleash the fury's but unleash yourself. It's in my Thor's Norse Power Program. Amy: Okay, I'm a little confused. Well, I'm a lot confused. I was taught in school that Vikings were bloodthirsty and violent! Thor: An elder once taught me, you must unlearn what you have learnt. Of course then he died of the green plague. There are some Vikings that are a bloodthirsty lot yes. But no more then anyone else, really. We're a nomadic people Amy, we have cold fire in our soles. You have that fire too Amy, you've just lost it since you got in television. Now, that being said, I'll answer you question. We're mostly non-violent, though many of the Vikings travelled to Scotland. And min ya, anyone who goes there will turn bloodthirsty, you can't understand the lot are saying. It's all afore, reckle, aboot, dinnea, it's enough to make you want to burn a village to the ground. That's why in my casstete series, I talk about the importance of communication. You see Amy, men and women live in different worlds. We use different words. A group of men talk about what they've killed, how to start a fire, who ahs the best longboat. Women talk about keeping the longhouse tidy and their feelings. When I'm raiding a village I don't need to be talking about feelings, it's time for action! Amy: Great! So is that all there is to being a Viking? Pillaging? Thor: No, lass, no, pillaging and battle are important but we admire poetry as well, as long as it's poems about whacking someone in with a doublehanded battle axe. What's holding you back Amy? In Chapter 3 of my book I talk about listening to the blood thirsty water spirit. It's really quite important if you want to enter Valhalla. Amy: I think I went there last night! Uh, no, umm that was Malibu but it's the same sort of thing. Valhalla was that goth club wasn't it? So 1983. But right, what does being a Viking have to do with anything? This is the 20th century. We have elecricity, penecilin, jet planes, implants, well, I don't, but I want some, but I heard the operation is really grose. You live like it's 982AD or something. Thor: Mind your toungue whench, lest I cut it out. Deep down all of you listening to me say Thor, yes, I'd like to unleash the Viking within. Maybe you go camping every year or hunting, and wonder why it feels so natural. That's because it is, so much as denying your instincts. Men shaving you know deep down in the pit of your sole you wish you could crouch in the grass with flies biting your face afraid to move for fear of alerting the beasts. Covering yourself with Yak urine to thwart your smell, then a beast draws close, you pounce, bringing your battleaxe on it's skull! Man and animal at that moment, one and the same in a terrible beauty. Then you drag the carcase back to camp and celebrate by eating it's heart! Some people they only do this once in their lifetime, I do this everyday. And so can you, all it takes is some positive thinking. Just atend by Unleash the Norse Within weekend. When you are finished you will say, I am a God! Nobody can stop me! I crush my enemies and dance on their funeral pyres. This is very helpful for living in suburbia Amy, and I should know. Amy: I really don't understand how. Thor: Oh, it's very helpful. Maybe a neighbor is tossing leaf clippings on your lawn, looking at your woman, or harboring desires regarding your longboat. You enslave his children, set his house on fire. He shall not bother you again. Amy: Huh, it must be nice to have you as a neighbor, not. Thor: I live in no place longer then needed to fulfil my goals, taking slaves, valuables and food. Goal settings is very important Amy, not just in football. Amy: You're very wierd and creeping me out a bit. But whatever, no weirder then anything else. So what do you think of Vice City? Thor: Ah, I like it very much. Your women here are prepared for battle. They are large, not like the scrawny things up north. A woman who eats well provides for her man. You cannot set sail for robbing and pillaging on an empty stomach. It's like the story of the Parson's Wife and the Troll. Amy: I don't think I've ever heard of that one. Thor: Great Carloson. Ye mainlanders have no historical perspective. Read the runes! It's all right there. Talk to a grandparent. But no, you cast people out like rubbish. Wisdom is not to be treated so lightly. When my father grew old, I sat with him day and night absorbing his wisdom. Learning about the demons and where the wickedness presides in men's hearts. And as his time grew near, I built a large pyre and burnt him and his wife while communing with old spirit. Amy: Careful. Musty Pines is a sponsor of this show. Uh, grody. What are you doing? Thor: I'm just adjusting myself she devil. Wearing these animals hides does get a bit itchy. Amy: Um, okay You never answered my question. What do you think of Vice City? Thor: Your land and people have a lot in commomn with mine. You see, we too fled our homes due to lack fo food, over population and the bitter cold, and my gee starting out to raid passing ships is fine. But we needed a new land to have our way with. Granted we rode and sailed to an area, land and forest and burned down a local monastry or village. Whereas you come in, destroy all the creatures and sell palstic versions of them. You did a fine job pillaging these lands. But you should have something about Canada. Amy: Wait a minute there buster, my mother's half canadian. Thor: Oh, what are you going to do wench? Sweep the ice furiously at me? Socialise medicine? Nah, you did it all wrong. You should have continued to the north and finished things off. I talk about this in me motivational learning tape. That and beware the magpie. She's the devil. Evil raineth when darkness falls. Amy: Are you married, you seem like a tough chracter to live with. Thor: Ay, my wife Helga. What a hag. Amy: This show is not sexist. Whatever certain bearded women might say. Women are people too. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't talk that way. Thor: Ah! Go live in a chimney ye troll! Ye 20th centry women are all the same. And me hag Helga, she felt pradiy up in her ways. She says to me, Thor I ain't having no mead no more, I'm going to meetings. See, that's ye problem. As soon as you sort something out, you have to go preaching from the rooftops to everyone else, how to live, not pillage nor plunder no more, but live in boxes. Then she says, Thor, I'm getting my stomach stapled I look fat. I now fat as two yak skins when previously it was only one. I said, whench! Dont' come crying to me when we're in a longboat crossing the straights for two moons adn you're all skin and bones. A man needs something to grab onto. Aye, ain't her fault. A cursed pizie goblin got her. Amy: Pixie Goblin? What kind of weird ancient nonsense are you talking about? Now, Thor, I've got to ask you, how old are you? Thor: I'm as old as the fjords and as a young as a new born lamb. Amy: Are you shy about your age? Just lie about it like my mom. Thor: Thor is never shy! Thor is mighty, THor is a god! Amy: And where are you from? Thor: From the beggining of the flat earth where the sun meets the sky. Amy: Oh right, by the beach, great. Let's take a commercial break, we'll be right back with Thor! he's a real Viking! Yeah right whatever. ####