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#!/usr/bin/perl
use strict;
use warnings;
...
        my @results = split /\n|\r\n?/, $slurp;
        return @results;
}

 time perl fluff.pl
              Rate    original local split  crlf split       naive
original    28.4/s          --        -32%        -43%        -80%
...
real    1m26.512s
user    1m26.450s
sys     0m0.060s