I've been wondering if there is any logic to my "no CPAN" requirements that I have been putting up for 13 years on PerlMonks.

Of course there isn't. If you ask for a solution to a problem and say "and no CPAN", then I'm going to point you at the appropriate modules on the CPAN anyway, because it's less effort than me copying and pasting their code. If you want to waste your time copying and pasting, that's fine, but don't expect other people to do it for you.