I've scoured all of those search results already, I've spent a good 4 hours trying to fix this, I tried fresh install of apache, I tried adding the "addHandler" line to httpd.conf, I've tried a large chunk of those options and have not found a fix to my problem.

What search terms did you use? What search results did you find?

I've spent a good 4 hours trying to fix this, I tried fresh install of apache, I tried adding the "addHandler" line to httpd.conf, I've tried a large chunk of those options and have not found a fix to my problem.

By now you should have a good list , a list of links and things you tried, and a list of results (symptoms/behaviours/error messages) of how they failed, that you can share with us

I kinda feel stupid pointing this out, but have you read https://httpd.apache.org/docs/2.2/howto/public_html.html#cgi / Apache Tutorial: Dynamic Content with CGI?

If you're interested in more checklists I use all the time, read Coping with Scoping , CGI to mod_perl Porting. mod_perl Coding guidelines , Server error, CGI Help Guide , Troubleshooting Perl CGI scripts , On debugging, verify everything, talk to teddybear ..., brian's Guide to Solving Any Perl Problem,