It's running Perl v5.22.1 with some very minor changes. Seems the problem was the fact the module I used to keep my variables in scope was named exporter and was causing a conflict with Exporter. So a rename and a few edits later and it all works good.

The lesson was... Don't use Exporter in a file you have named "exporter" to keep your variables in scope. But you can use Exporter in a file called "foo" and it will work fine.