Wait, are you saying I need to create a new XML::LibXML::XPathContext object for each node as I loop through them?!

No, what gave you that idea?

All XML::LibXML::XPathContext does is map prefixes to namespaces, and that only needs to be done once.

See https://metacpan.org/pod/XML::LibXML::Node#findnodes

I haven't pulled this much hair in one day for a coding-related reason IN YEARS.

step away from the keyboard, lunch, nap, vacation, whatever it takes