I hereby rescind this evil and tainted question, as I have been clued in (thanks crazyinsomniac) to a Java-related, PM-like community over at JavaJunkies.org. Check here for my post on JJ.org...if you care. Sorry about the post gone bad.

r. j o s e p h
"Violence is a last resort of the incompetent" - Salvor Hardin, Foundation by Issac Asimov