This is not a question of our talking on an equal level.

This is a question of you saying something very silly and then refusing to believe us when we said it was silly. If you want a large high-performance data structure on disk that you access in the same pattern that you would a hash, it is a bad idea to try to roll your own in Perl.

It isn't a question of being open to the possibilities. It is a question of having sufficient technical knowledge and judgement to identify counter-productive approaches before you waste energy implementing them.