Ok, so I tried that and got marginally closer. At least the "Freeing" line isn't visible anymore. So why isn't PRINT, PRINTF, or WRITE being called with the data? That's really the final bit that would have to work for it to even have a point. The following code outputs nothing except "DESTROY\n".

package TrapRe;
sub TIEHANDLE {
    my $class = shift;
    my $fh = \do { local *HANDLE };
    bless $fh, $class;
}
sub CLOSE { close $_[0] }
eval qq[sub $_ { print "$_\n" };]
    for qw/READ READLINE GETC WRITE PRINT PRINTF
           BINMODE EOF FILENO SEEK TELL OPEN
           DESTROY UNTIE/;

package main;
BEGIN {
    close STDERR;
    tie *STDERR, TrapRe;
}
use re 'debug';
1 =~ 1;
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