Yeah, I don't think I'm going to find a wrapper either.

I could write a C program, I just prefer Perl DBI over the MySQL C API.

I might try doing something like this:

open(STATUS, "netstat -an 2>&1 |")
                        || die "can't fork: $!";
[download]

...but, I have not decided yet.

Well, regardless, thank you both for your responses :-)