You are confusing two different qualities here. Honesty is not negotiable; it is an absolute necessity. If you use a better term for "being mean" you'll immediately recognize what the other axis is - and that term is "disrespect".

Did you notice something? I just honestly told you I believe you to be wrong. Was I disrespectful? I would hope it didn't seem so, cause it certainly wasn't meant to be.

Yes, some people's tone bugs me. I feel Abigail could be more verbose on occasion; Dominus' attitude can be irritating; merlyn is overly harsh but insufficiently verbose every so often. (Obviously I appreciate their contributions anyway; this goes without saying.)

Does that mean I'm in favour of imperturbable friendliness? No. I'm in favour of imperturbable respect.

I'll never tell anyone they are stupid. (At least not on the grounds of how they write code; other criteria are another subject altogether.) I'll occasionally tell them their code is stupid. And I'll never hesitate to tell them their code is wrong. You'll also very rarely see me saying any of these without explaining why or how I came to that conclusion.

Just the way, I hope, I did in this post.

Be brief and to the point. Be respectful. Don't waste your time, and don't waste the other's either.

Makeshifts last the longest.