John Malkovich. Of course, he'd have to gain a lot of weight. Perhaps John Rhys-Davies then? (I just don't think Dom DeLuise could play me...) No, no, I've got it. Peter Ustinov. OK, him or Michel Piccoli. Now I'm sure. Really.

I'm spending way too much time on this one...

Marlon Brando.

It's just that Dawn French looks nothing like me.

Must... hit... submit...

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Allolex