Ah -- dat's it. Global is what did it.
I had the /s stuck in there from a while back (copy and paste) and totally forgot about it, and 'global' totally slipped my mind in the process.
Fantastic -- as always, the help is much appreciated.
If this lesson has taught me one thing, it's to adhere strictly to a template... it's been driving me nuts getting this stuff cleaned up. :)
PS - I finally registered. I'm the anonymous monk that posted.