So maybe what it needs is to wrap the contents into a sub routine called poem... and then we can be gender biased ala

&poem if $male;
[download]

Is that better? ;) Because you are right of course, women don't ought not have this problem... hehe :)

On second thought I like this better, because the only way you can be a sweetie in the prior version is if you sprinkled and cleaned...

$you = 'sweetie' if female;
while (tinkle) {$you = '!sweetie' if sprinkle};
$you = 'sweetie' if sprinkle && wipe seatie;
[download]

Now most women are sweeties as they should be, except for the rogue female who manages to... well ya know.