Something you may want to consider is using a graphics program to do what you want, then print it from there. The Gimp is available for windows and there are Perl extensions for that. I've heard that it's possible to automate Photoshop using Perl as well, but I've never seen an example of anyone doing it.
Useless trivia: In the 2004 Las Vegas phone book there are approximately 28 pages of ads for massage, but almost 200 for lawyers.