Great, a holy war...the exact opposite of productivity. I guess I'll do this the annoying way (i.e. just manually spit out my HTML), since I'm not about to go and redo an entire site using templating.
Tanktalus, thanks for warning me -- I hate pointless flame wars, and you've probably helped me avoid one. That said, if anyone knows how to do what I'm trying to the CGI.pm way, I'd appreciate hearing about it.