jZed,
I absolutely hate it when I see people reply to proposed solutions with "That won't work". Sometimes it is followed by "because <lame excuse>". My favorite is "because I don't have permission to install modules" where the module in question is pure Perl.

With that said, I do not know if this will work, but I can't go into specifics as to why because of, yes here it comes - the lame excuse you have all been waiting for, my government employer.

Now, since I already doubt any solution I come up with will be used and it looks like there may not be an existing solution - I intend to fully explore this just because it sounds interesting.