Most of your cons for Perl seem like problems of politics and viewpoints than real technical issues. Which means (perhaps obviously) you need to approach Perl acceptance as a political problem, not a technical one.

Perl does have UML tools, though I personally am warry of automatic code generation.

Source code is plaintext, not compiled for distribution. Tamper-prevention requires use of source filters.

This issue has been discussed before. See Here is a commercial obfuscator.

Update: Also, don't discount Python and Ruby. They have Apache modules that also allow fiddling with Apache's internals (though they don't seem to go quite as deep as mod_perl, at least in Apache2). People with a Java background may be much more satisfied with these languages.