prbably primarily because I want to keep this script to a single file.

Uh, why? Your computer doesn't care how many files the program is.

Unless (gasp) you are writing this to share. Ugh. Please don't. We already have enough mediocre Perl code written by budding newbies.

And you still have a lot to learn... your updated code is still wrong:

$Buffer = '/0';
[download]

So you aren't even paying attention to what you're being told. This makes you dangerous. Please stop now. Go get a good book or two on Perl, read up, then go back to coding, and don't share your code to unsuspecting individuals until you've had a thorough audit by an expert.