Almost all of my code is going to run on my company's web server, and nowhere else. We have 5.8.0 running there. I have no need to waste my time trying to get it to run on something less.

IMHO, you are correctly pointing out that our is bad, but for the wrong reason. It's bad because package-scoped variables get you into all sorts of trouble. I code with very tight lexical scopes so that variables live for exactly as long as they need to (View Gameboy Cartridge Information is a good example).