Actually, complex queries are the ones NOT to ditch. In fact, the answer is still no to all your questions.

If you have a case where you think I'm wrong, I'd bet that a local cache would work better than sprucing up your perl with DB-like code. Let the DB do its job. Lots of people worked real hard to make it fast, efficient, and simple.

--
$you = new YOU;
honk() if $you->love(perl)