You're probably not realising it, but you are maybe BURNING OUT! Maybe your unconsciousness knows ... and it speak through your monastery name?

Seriously - it's an phenomenon I recently heard of, on my "Comunicology" classes. It starts with things that you mentioned. Then if I recall right comes depression, crying and ... oh well I'm not quite sure.

But seriously, you should check it out. Try Googling for it (burning out) and talk about it with your psychiatrist

As about other of your problems, I'm probably too young and incompetent to comment on them - except on borrowing money to give it to company you're working for > even I (BTW. I have blond hare :) know that's a bad move

Oh yeah, what business are you in anyway. Ever thought about freelancing? I'm doing it in my free time ... and you can earn a decent living by doing just that.