Very good! However, with

Low points for mentioning Larry Wall, Damian Conway, or Randal Schwartz

you've missed the point of the original. This should be something like:

mentioning "Christianson", "Cousins", or "Dominous".

(I could add "Brian D. Foy", but I don't want to go there... ;-)

Now, how about:

• Arguing that Perl is a strongly typed language.
• Arguing that Perl is a weakly typed language.
• Claiming that Larry Wall doesn't truly understand Perl.
• Arguing that Perl doesn't really have closures.
• Arguing that lexical variables and/or namespaces actually decrease program robustness.
• Claiming at least partial credit for the GRT.
• Asserting for oneself the license to be rude to newbies due to one's seniority in the Perl community.
• Claiming that Perl, being interpreted, is inherently less secure than languages such as Java.