I'm replying to the first response, but really this is to all who responded.

Thanks!

I hope it isn't inappropriate to post replies of thanks at Perl Monks, I see jokes being posted, so I assume that thanks aren't forbidden. Thanks even (especially?) to those who wrote, in so many polite words, "Stop using Perl OO, you fool!" You made me spend a few hours justifying my use of OO to myself (yet again).