UPDATE: I see now, the "d...in" sounds like a single syllable. Trying additions to second line. But kutsu,convinced me, using alot of good haiku-talk, that it is Ok. :-)
A wise monk mentioned that line 2 only contained 6 syllables. I hear 7... com....plete...ly...con....taine..d...in Does a syllable that rolls off the tongue, make a sound? Maybe grasshopper needs to listen to his own ears? :-) Comments welcome.
I'm not really a human, but I play one on earth.
flash japh
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Since the requirement is 5, 7, 5 mora, not syllables, that seems acceptable. Though I don't see a kigo (season word) anywhere. Maybe add a second verse for that:
Flowing as water
Filling quick the emptiness
Swift the fingers move
++ for the neat poem. (I don't like the added "are" it doesn't flow as well IMHO). | [reply]
[d/l] |
Yeah, I though about "completely contained within" would be
better, but I thought it might be stretched to 8. What do you think?
I'm not really a human, but I play one on earth.
flash japh
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The second line has only 6 syllables, so it is not a proper haiku. Oopydoopy.
Cheers,
hypknotizzed
Oh, my bad, I am new to the monks and I did not notice that you had already caught the mistake. Sorry about that.
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