No, you pointed me to an Acme (joke ) module of some sort, which I took for a troll attempt.

Obviously; you had absolutely no curiosity about how it worked nor why I suggested that it could (in my mind, reliably) help you not run BEGIN blocks. (Now I don't guarantee that that will solve your problem, as the presence of eval and symbol table manipulation changes the rules of the game.)

I stand by my stance that the perl designers made a bad choice, and should fix it however they need to.

I don't know any Perl designer who agrees with you, so I say with some confidence that that's never going to happen. Good luck with Anonyperl.