On the other hand, the pit bull in me has my teeth into tying variables

Tied variables are pretty slow, and they don't always work due to bugs. That's why I suggested the alternative.

Closest I've been able to come so far is this wrapper

The variable you called $tied isn't tied. That's why it works. If you fix the variable name, you get:

sub call {
    my $sub = shift;
    return $sub->(@_);
}
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You basically took the solution I already posted and put it in a function.

I got rid of the misleading/broken/wrong prototype. Don't use prototypes unless you have a good reason and you understand the problems associated with using them.