I have 22 years experience and have never seen anything like this!

ahem! Are you sure you have 22 years of experience and not 1 year of experience 22 times?

I am beginning to wonder if PERL even works!

And I have one word for you: syntax and I am going to say something I very rarely say: RTFM

Other monks in this thread have pointed the way to some excellent resources for you to read and potentially learn from.