This is not a plea for myself, rather it is meant as an amalgam of that certain breed of help request that I see here from time to time on PerlMonks.

use Greeting::Excessivly_Reverent qw(kowtow);
use Ego::Massaging qw(salutation flattery);
use Closing::Obsequious;

my      $self = Convert("devoted");
my @greetings = reverent(
        $PERLMONKS->isa("haven"),
        $PERLMONKS->isa("green field"),
        $PERLMONKS->isa("helpful friend"));

my %problem = {
        homework => "is hard",
        effort => "is minimal",
        asking => "is easier" };

my %thoughts = {
        everyone => "will pity me",
        someone => "will help me",
        PerlMonks => "will save me"};

despair() for (my $hopes (@are_dashed,
                "how is it",
                "anyone could know",
                "reversing a string",
                "is homework"));

my ($deadline, $looms);
rage() while (time_passes() and hopes_fade() and the_reaper_cometh());
[download]

Updated: syntax, spelling, etc.