(arguably this is impossible with my setup because .html files do not utilize mod_include on the server I am on, only .shtml files).

I assume your using Apache and cannot change in the httpd.conf file. This particular problem, with .html not being parsed by mod_include, can then usually be rectified like this:

Place an .htaccess file in your web root. Include the text:

XBitHack on
[download]

Now, all .html-files that have the execution bit set will be server-parsed.

The execution bit can be set from the shell or usually from ftp (look for CHMOD command in e.g. cuteftp).

/jeorgen