I forgot to add the part where I first walk into a restaurant and announce my needs. Since the restaurant serves water -- they clearly should be able to address my needs, right?

Why don't you just join the Strawberry Perl project?

L-LL-L--L-LL-L--L-LL-L--
-R--R-RR-R--R-RR-R--R-RR
B--B--B--B--B--B--B--B--
H---H---H---H---H---H---
(the triplet paradiddle with high-hat)