Even with a fairly simple data retrieval and display (just grab rows from tables with no more than a single join and dump to the screen with almost no front end logic), it takes a disproportionate amount of time to retrieve results.

You seem to be shying away from giving us an example of what you call proportionately slow. Dumping to the screen can take a long time as you are performing IO on a terminal and scrolling etc. Here is a concrete example to MS SQL Server via an ODBC driver on a remote machine (to the database) connected through a router and 100M ethernet. The machine running MS SQL Server is running SQL Server express and it was dumped even as a desktop it is so old and slow (would you call this slow):

use DBI;
use strict;
use warnings;
use Benchmark::Timer;
use Data::Dumper;

my $t = Benchmark::Timer->new;
$t->start('main');
my $h = DBI->connect;

if ($ARGV[0]) {
    print "Recreating table\n";
    eval {$h->do(q/drop table mje/);};
    $h->do(q/create table mje (a varchar(50), b varchar(50), c varchar
+(50), d varchar(50))/);
    
    $h->begin_work;
    my $s = $h->prepare(q/insert into mje values(?,?,?,?)/);
    my $a = 'a' x 50;
    my $b = 'b' x 50;
    my $c = 'c' x 50;
    my $d = 'd' x 50;
    foreach (1..50000) {
        $s->execute($a, $b, $c, $d);
    }
    $h->commit;
}
$t->stop('main');

$t->start('fetch');
my $r = $h->selectall_arrayref(q/select * from mje/);
$t->stop('fetch');

$t->start('dump');
print Dumper($r);
$t->stop('dump');

print "Rows fetched:", scalar(@$r), "\n";
print $t->reports;
[download]

which outputs

many many lines like the following
          [
            'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa',
            'bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb',
            'cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc',
            'dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd'
          ]
Rows fetched:50000
main1 trial of main (44.867ms total)
fetch1 trial of fetch (1.715s total)
dump1 trial of dump (31.614s total)
[download]

I only keep harping on about this because I'm not sure you really have identified what is slow and you have not given us any detail to decide.