endow it with whatever magic required to make it as fast as C

There is already a programming language with all that magic - C. You have the choice, C is fast and lean, it is actually a very small language. Then again, ever tried using regular expressions in it, or string handling? You can do those things, but parts of your body will start to decompose as you do so.

Perl can trace its lineage back to AWK - Aho, Weinburger, and Kerningham. The same Brian Kerningham who worked on C (with Denis Richie). He recognised that C wasn't good at everything, so we got AWK, but he never intended it to replace C, it is just another tool in your toolkit. Selecting the right one is the trick.