I wish that you would please

Listen to me.

So I can tell you that

The barbecue sauce is esoteric and mystical

Which is why you have to

Muddle through your own way.

but you can learn from us through the use of the ancient art of

Monkey see, monkey do.

I really don't mean to be facetious but there's a reason our answers are all the same: if this could be elegantly solved by engineering, it would already have been done. If you disagree, well, good luck and please share the holy grail when you find it.