Could not resist just one more They Might Be Giants song.

#!/usr/bin/perl -c
# If I wasns't shy

if ($$ != shy) {
if ($$ != shy) {

    @ALL = ('uniforms','"Ask Me" buttons','intercoms','time clock card
+s');
    $$->burn(@ALL);
}}
if ($$ != shy) {
if ($$ != shy) {

    $$->steal(*Cadillacs);
    $$->steal(*main::,"i lack");
    $$->steal("microphones","masters of ceremony");
}}
if ($$ != shy) {
if ($$ != shy) {
}}
    recv(YOU,$dont,$mind,0);
    $$->kiss("you" x 100);

if ($$ != shy) {
if ($$ != shy) {
}}

# If I wasn't shy
# If I wasn't shy
#
# I'd burn all the uniforms
# I'd burn all the "Ask Me" buttons
# I'd burn all the intercoms
# I'd burn all the time clock cards
#
# If I wasn't shy
# If I wasn't shy
#
# I'd steal somebody's Cadillac
# I'd steal anything I lack
# I'd steal all the microphones
# From all the masters of ceremony
#
# If I wasn't shy
# If I wasn't shy
#
# I'd ask you, if you don't mind,
# To kiss you a hundred times
#
# If I wasn't shy
# If I wasn't shy
[download]

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OH, a sarcasm detector, that’s really useful