Wow! I didn't have time to mess with this problem yesterday, but I see that you guys went crazy and gave me some excellent tips! I'm back at work now, so I'll work on it more tonight, then let you know who won. ;)
Again, thanks a bunch guys. I ended up using mr_mischief's and ysth's suggestions. The other thing I didn't mention here is that I want to keep stats on the potty language that's replaced, so I added that in and now it all works the way I wanted! :)