use strict; my($s, $pin, @IP);
use constant PI => 3.14159265;
$s = (int(PI) * int(PI)); s++;
print 'PI SQUARED=' . (PI*PI);
++y,($pin='tr'; @IP=<*>),\0,d;
die[uc^"\010${s}0%)sed)"]->[0]
[download]

perl drunken.pl I think it is funny that people still understand this 
+sentence 
I tnihk it is fnnuy taht pploee slitl usnretadnd tihs scnetnee
[download]

use strict;
$| = 1;

for (@ARGV) {
    s/(.?)(.*)(.\W*)$/$2/;
    print $1;
    my ( $l, @w ) = ( $3, reverse split // );
    print splice @w, rand $#w - 1, 1 while $#w + 1;
    print "$l ";
}
print "\n";
[download]

Update: Waht deos bteter mnae? Wlle, wt'ahs better for yuo. Mbyae snoenoe lekis to hvae lses cedo, the nxet one lekis to hvae it mroe ousacetfbd.

Update 2: I wrote a small plugin for Irssi which makes you write like a drunken man ;)

Update 3: Changed the link of the plugin into a link which will never be obsolet.

Update 3b: Sorry, changed the link again :( But it should stay now this way :)

Hi all,
This is the first JAPH I've ever written. It's simple, but (AFAIK) has an original idea.

use Time::HiRes 'usleep';++$|;$s='rekcah lreP rehtona tsuJ';@v=
(65..90,97..122,32);do{do{print$_=sprintf'%c',$v[rand@v];usleep
2000;print"\b"}while$_ ne substr$s,-1;chop$s;print}while$s
[download]

Update: An indented and commented version with whitespaces

use strict; 
use warnings;
$_=[(25.5*6<<q{9}.1)=~m+(..)+go],//moss;
--$.for(1..((5<6).0));($/=>$.)=(-$.,$.);
$.*=@{_}=map{$.+=$/;$_+$.}grep{$_%2}@$_;
push@_,map{if(!int){$.+=$.}else{$.+=$/};
$_+$.}grep{($_+1)%2}@$_;die map{chr}@{_}
[eval join(q{,},2,1,4,3,0)]=>$/||\$\<<1;
[download]

Update: With whitespace and comments:

This has to be in a file to run correctly, and it has to be the entire contents of the file (no #!perl line). It won't work if it's reformatted.

open+0 and local $/; $ms = <0> and close 0;
$false = q[OlD|OIDlDOIOl!Di|] =~ /[1|0]/;
my $fa1se = eval 'BEGIN{ 1/0 }' if $false;

($false||rand)&&split /
/, $ms; $truth = $beauty = '' =~ //;
if ( $truth and $beauty ) { split' ',
$ms; $ls[ $false+=8 ] = shift @_ while @_;
map { $_ = 054 + length } @ls;
# This part is important!!!
23 while s/(.{0,8})(..)/crypt$1,$2/ge; }

my $O;
$ls[ $false++ ] = $_ for @_
;s{.}{ord($&)%0x0a}ego for grep $_, @ls;
( 598306+679527+682489!=+585085 );

$O = join qq,, , map { ( $_ )?
chr( 0b1001010+length )
: defined() ? qq- - : 'J'
} @ls; $_ = chr 0xdeadbeef % +255
for @ls; $O=$0 if ($truth);
$beauty && {redo};exit !print qq/$O,\n/;
[download]

This is yet another encoding trick, probably one that's been done many times before, but here's my crack at it. I'll explain the workings in the spoiler.

The sole reason for my dabbling here is the length of names of the outgoing and incoming teams. I'm sure the sages will see right through my lame masking of characters, but hopefully there are at least a couple surprises.

use strict;
use warnings;
use constant ist => q{3}x2;
my @eye = "7966668565836672654747677772736968787889" =~ m|(..)|g;
${_}||=                       # Back to
our $whitehouse='BUSH/CHENEY' # Texas &
.$/||\1;                      # Wyoming
foreach my $W ( map { s|(\d+)|chr($1)|eg; $_ }
                map { "\LS!".
                      join( chr(ist), pop(@eye), pop(@eye), $!)
                    }
                (2001..2009)=>undef){
$!=~eval $W}
die((!$!)?uc:$::)
[download]

Update: With whitespace and comments:

$_=($_=LWP::UserAgent->new->request(HTTP::Request->new
(GET,"http://www.perlmonks.org/?node_id=735555"))->content)
  ? join(' ', split(/\W+\w+?\W/, (/.+(just.+?hacker).+/si)[0]))
  : $;; print; use LWP::UserAgent
[download]

$_=($_=LWP::UserAgent->new,$_->agent("Mozilla/5.0"),
$_=$_->request(HTTP::Request->new
(GET,"http://www.google.com/search?q=japh"))->content)
   ? join(q/ /, split(q{_}, (/(just.+?hacker)/si)[0]))
   : $;; print; use LWP::UserAgent
[download]

(Can you find the hidden smiley?)

s++ uc`$^X -x "$0" 2>&1`+e;y=O =#=d&&die$_^q*$V#1r-=,&!5&fs0<(i&(-;0&*
[download]

JAPH->Just->Another->Perl->Hacker;

package JAPH;

sub AUTOLOAD { bless [print+($AUTOLOAD=~/::(.+)/)[0], q/ /] } 

sub DESTROY {}
[download]